Tuesday, November 29, 2005

In tribute to a classic Jackass:

War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
--John Stuart mill

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on.
--Joseph Heller

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Things I don't want to hear anymore about because they threaten my masculinity:

1. Jonathan Pollard:

Jonathan Pollard did the right thing. But every time I hear about him I am reminded that I feel like we don't have any intestinal fortitude, in turn making me feel like I don't have any IF. Therefore, I wish to hear no more on the topic.

2. Gush Katif:

We are total wimps for this one. Gd this makes me feel like I am menstruating or something. Same as for Pollard here. Nuff said.

We suck.

If you don't feel like you suck after hearing about Pollard or Gush Katif it's because you don't have enough Maccabee blood in your anemic veins.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Why Sharon left and what to expect in the next election:

As much as it violates my soul to write about it, about a dozen of my die-hard fans have begged me to comment on Sharon's recent moves.

There are two possible outcomes in the next election:

1. Ariel Sharon wins by a thin margin.
2. Ariel Sharon wins by a large margin.

Trust me, he will win by a very large margin and will maintain an even greater stranglehold over the Knesset, and there will be more tragedy involved for good decent people.

Why did it make sense to leave the party now?

If you just said, “um, because of Amir Peretz (AKA Super Musty), right?” you are an idiot mouth breather just because.

Sharon would have eventually left the party one way or another and Amir Peretz simply provided him with the best possible opening he needed to do so., that being: Ariel Sharon knows that traditional Labor voters and their ruling elite will never support a hairy, uneducated, super Musty, Sephardic union boss. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

Like a tremendously overfed vulture Sharon is now sweeping in for all of the floating Labor votes and taking half of the Likud’s with him. He is certain to be the darling of the left-wing elites, who will support him out of pragmatics. People will also see his party as the first viable “centrist” party (which it wont be after he’s gone).

As a backward extremist I do not view Shimon Peres as an man who stands by any ideological integrity and believe that he will eventually join Sharon's party--like the evil vampire whore I have exposed him to be. But even if he does'nt, he and Lapid (who will suffer big time losses) will help solidify the Sharon government mandate after the election is over.


Leaving the Likud before the primary but after the vote to postpone it demonstrates his support in the Likud, and allows him to exit a winner (which Israelis like) without the risks of running against anyone else for party leadership. This also has the added effect of vilifying anyone with any sort of right-wing inkling as an obstacle to peace and the democratic process. He looks like he is leaving because of crazy right-wingers, not because he is scarred that he won’t win the primary (which he would).


He will without any doubt be the most powerful and effective evil Prime Minister Israel has ever had. He will make Ben-Gurion look like the little conniving elf-fairy he was.

Israelis will vote for him if for no other reason than they think he is going to win anyway.

Bottom Line:

Sharon could be PM in the Likud, but he is leaving increase his mandate by attracting the people he really represents: “center” (read: without a clue) leftists and rightists. They will give him the monumental landslide victory he needs to be the kind of dictator he has always wanted to be. It is a smart plan.

Labor will lose big.

Likud will lose really big.

The National Union/Mafdal Knesseteers won’t matter at all. (Just ask Aryeh Eldad. Why do you think he is so pissed about seated sixth on the list: He doesn’t think the NU will get too many seats in the Knesset, where he is one of the few MK’s that put his reputation on the line during the expulsion.)

The End

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The wasted vote theory is BS! (Or) Unity Sucks!!!

First things first: Israeli politics is like a dirty toilet bowl that we all want to clean out so we can sit on it more comfortably. Political parties are the cleaning supplies and we are the janitors that choose them. Ok, now read on.

The big discussion in right-wing politics now is “unity”.

Lately, you hear a lot of: “Whaa, whaa, whaa, all the parties should join together, blah, blah, blah.”

Well I am here to tell you that unity sucks. Yes it does, it sucks indeed.

Here are the 3 competing interests in right wing politics today and my stunning analysis of them:

The Knesseteers:

Knesseteers are people who think that The National Union and Mafdal are the right wing answer. People with this belief also make good candidates for the Darwin awards. They think that their parties can make a difference in the left wing agenda this country is hooked on—this after the Jewish expulsion from Gaza. So as you can see they are really quite stupid. Next time you meet one give ‘em a cookie and a nice pat on the head and then when he’s too busy eating the cookie to notice push him down the steps.

The Feiglinites:

Feiglinites are like Knesseteers on a mission.

The Alternatives:

Alternatives rule. I love having alternatives. When is having an alternative a bad thing? Alternatives are people who look for actual options to the toilet boil of Israeli politics. Unlike the Knesseteers they don’t like swimming in doodoo, they like flushing it down the toilet into the sewer with the arab's where it belongs.

These parties cannot unify.

The Knesseteers blame the Alternatives for wanting options while trying to convince them that they will be more productive cleaning out the toilet bowl from the inside rather than flushing it from the outside.

Feiglinites  say things like: “we have to fight this war on multiple fronts, lets infiltrate the big pieces of doodoo from the inside…yada. yada, yada.” No effort in Israel’s history has ever been analyzed more stupidly, including Shimon Peres’s attempt to enter Israel into the arab league, in the hope that we could make a difference or take it over from the inside.

They have been in the doodoo so long they think it’s like delicious marshmallow fluff or something.

So the Knesseteers and the Feiglinites are actually proffering alternatives to progress and wasting everyone’s time.

The Knesseteers have already failed and the Feiglinites are on the way to realizing that they have too, which will hit them like a ton of bricks. When they wake up they will have all sorts of excuses for their failed ideas, but it will be too late, they will be seen as phonies to a new generation of post-expulsion right wing Jews.

There you have it, nice and simple.

Now go simple reader and speak my truth to the world.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Project X: The Musty experiment revealed!

In a stunning bit of investigative journalism I have uncovered the state of Israel's most top-secret genetic experiment: The Musty Plan.

Folks, this is an Ideological Underground exclusive.

The left wing in Israel has seen some hard times since 1977. Their studies indicated to them that if they had a socialist "oriental" type leader they would win big in the election. This way they could appeal to their own mass leadership and the undesirable, but necessary, Sephardic Jews.

But here was the problem: Obviously no normal Sephardic Jew would be embrace socialism, much less Labor, after the abuses hurled at them by the Labor elitists in Israel. So, in 1977 they began work on the Musty Plan.

Operation Musty involved a series of genetic experiments that would borrow various DNA strands from specific personalities that would culminate in a mutant creation that would be charismatic, embrace socialism, fight for workers, and posses eastern features.

I have attained the identities of the people Israel stole DNA from to create the Musty one.


Subject #1: Stalin

Scientists managed to get some of this precious DNA from a secret shrine that Shomer Ha'tzair still keeps to the man of steal. Apparently they worship his blood or something. Why old Staly you ask? Stalin had charisma, big balls, and was totally evil in the way a Labor party leader has to be. Its a fact the Ben Gurion worshipped Stalin by sacrificing Jewish Yemenite babies to him over an alter made from the bones of dead Irgun members.

Subject# 2: Yishwan the Gypsy

You probably don’t know this but old Yishwan was the Mapai's number one assassin. Just look into his eyes...Anyway Yishwan was frightening and also evil. BG loved Yishwan, there are rumors that BG actually fathered Yishwan but was too embarrassed by his dark complexion to be seen with him in public. No one knows what happened to Yishwan. His gypsy cunning and genetic bond with BG made him a shoe in for Project X.

Subject #3:
Saddam Hussein

Saddam had the exact look that project Musty needed and he is totally evil, in a bitch arab kind of way. Carrying on, the french provided Iraq with a nuclear reactor, which Israel destroyed in the early 80'2. Everyone knows that. But what most people don’t now is that super Israeli Spies were able to swab Jacque Chirac's lips only moments after making out with Saddam Hussein’s ass in the late 1970's, thereby attaining Saddam's DNA.

Yes, Hussein and Chirac were lovers, just take a look at this picture of the young couple and notice how they can hardly resist holding hands:

Subject #4:
Burt Reynolds

Why Burt Reynolds? Well, back when Operation Musty began Burt was actually...cool. Plus he had the look. The Labor elite thought that having a cool leader with the kind of edge Burt had in deliverance would make for mass appeal. But in an extremely humorous twist of fate Burt quickly became uncool and just ended up giving Musty a kind of shitty cheap actor feel.

Subject# 5:
Super Mario
Need I say more?

And with that I give you the finished product, Mustachio (Aka Musty) the Sephardic Socialist:



My Journalism rules.

Musty sucks.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Awwww poor Peres!!!!!!!! Shimon says: "I'm a Loser!"

Don't worry Shimon, as an immortal vampire who feeds on the souls of innocent Jews I'm sure you will find a way to become politically relevant again.

Bet you didn't know Peres is a vampire. Well he is. It's a fact. Just look at the uncanny resemblance between him and Dracula:

These two are clearly related.


Now on a more serious note, I sure am glad that we wont have to see the 3 headed beast anymore.

Man that is is one terrifying political bitch monster.

Things just haven't been the same for old Shimon since his vampire lover dropped dead.

Look at the romantic couple, about to get into in some kind of kinky vampire Jewish blood swapping make-out session.

Now that the vampire is out for the count I fullheartedly look forward to the career of my newest enemy Saddam Hussein's adopted little gypsy brother, Mustachio the socialist:

Congratulations Musty!!!

Here's to a new era of socialist political jackasses...yaay go Musty!!!!!