Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Israeli Cab Diary: The Non Sequitur Cab Battle

OK, so I order a cab for what should be a normal ten minute drive and it shows up late as usual, but then…

I get in the car, the driver, a Sephardic man in his late forties with nose hair protruding in sickening bushes from both nostrils says:

I don’t know what do about it, you know, I mean I can see but I just can’t see that well when I’m driving. If I get too close too something just tell me. I can see but not when I get to close to things, so the doctor wants me to wear these glasses but they are so expensive, you know the brand I’m talking about…what’s it called…um…you know…just tell me already…um…well anyway he gave me an interesting thing with it, here, you know, to clean the glasses with, but who needs it. Here look at it, it’s in the glove box, I’ll find it for you…Ok here it is, do you know anything about this kind of stuff? Well in any case my son is in Jenin you know and he’s a great kid he’s been there for a few days. What do you say about that? Kids are so spoiled today. The fact of the matter is you have to understand the way UEFA works, the rules are very detailed and its crazy you know? Wow, I saw this awesome car, a Ferrari, but I would just smash it to pieces I don’t know how though, that’s just the way it is though in this city…

I could barely contain myself. But I thought, what am I gonna do, just sit here and listen to this guys Non Sequiturs without throwing a few back of my own like some kind of wimp?

I make it a point to never back down from a Non Sequitur cab battle challenge.

So I spit this at him:

Well I got to tell you, a tiger just escaped from the San Diego Zoo and its going crazy, killing people and other nonsense, eating ice cream and the such, you know what a tiger does to ice cream, tears it to pieces and leaves you bloody to die, one guy got his leg torn right off, but that’s nothing where I’m from there’s already a meter of snow on the ground, a meter, wow, but here it’s a sunny day, I don’t understand how it works, and I’ve got to tell you I don’t let anyone get in my way when I have to piss, if you’re there you’re in trouble…but you know how it is, my shoulder hurts and I cant carry stuff, so everyone on the road can go to hell with the penguins who I F’n hate anyway…you know what I mean…

He answers back:

Those damn fire trucks…

And there I was. Bested by a true genius in his element. It was beautiful.

All I could add was:

Touché sir, touché

And it was over, just like that...I was served.

My friends, you might think that a Non Sequitur cab battle is harmless fun, but  I'm here to tell
you that she is a soulless temptress to be respected and feared. 

But I already know what you're thinking, if it weren't for the honor I too would have forgone the pleasure.


  1. Anonymous1:59 PM

    this is great!

  2. Yeah, Agvania does have the best Pizza. I'm just not sure it counts as pizza; more like tortilla pizza.


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